


the only home

by aboutmalfoy



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Ficlet, Flashbacks, Fluffy Ending, Headcanon, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-16
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-23 19:25:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,367
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14339379
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aboutmalfoy/pseuds/aboutmalfoy
Summary: A little scene set during my Drarry fic: Harry Potter and the American Thief. It’s better if you’ve read that, for setting purposes, but not totally necessary. Enjoy.





	the only home

Sirius Black was decidedly  _ not  _ sloshed. It was true, however, that he had every reason to be. He’d left his flat four hours past, on foot, he might add, instead of in his wonderfully attractive and quite expensive new jeep, with the express intention of becoming quite sloshed indeed. He’d instead proceeded to spend the aforementioned hours sitting amongst his new American drinking mates in their proclaimed favourite pub, and watched as they consumed copious amounts of alcohol, himself taking only a few sips here and there, before he’d gotten too bored to feign drunkenness any longer and promptly left. They were all right lads, his American friends. They didn’t ask personal questions of him and they welcomed him to join them whenever he wished. They’d made certain he knew his way round well enough to get to here and there whenever he had need. They told him entertaining stories of wizarding Boston to cheer his spirits and, of course, plied him with drink whenever he was feeling melancholy. But, for all that Sirius liked them, they would never understand the significance of this day. And even if they did, they would never understand why he couldn’t bring himself to drink away the pain on the day in which it was most acute. 

He didn’t altogether understand it himself. All he knew was, when the firewhiskey had been placed before him, he hadn’t been able to knock it back mindlessly and forget a while. 

So Sirius had walked back in the dark of evening, crossing groups of children dressed in outlandish costumes, expressing their love of this holiday and their intention of squeezing every last possible sweet from the poor bastards answering their doorbells tonight. It was Halloween after all. 

Only this day would never be Halloween to Sirius, not ever again. 

He’d not wanted to stumble home drunk off his arse, not this night. Perhaps it made no real difference, to mourn for his life and all that he’d lost whilst sober, but it was what he’d decided to do. It had seemed wrong somehow, to attempt to drown the memory of James, of Lily, Circe help him even of Peter, as the daft but sweet adolescent he’d once been. 

Sirius Black was not sloshed. Which meant, in short, that the person before him was not a delusion concocted by an addled mind attempting desperately to lessen his loneliness. The person standing in the centre of his modest living room, appearing to have been waiting for his return for quite some time, was very much real. And that, Sirius decided, made less sense than anything. 

“What’re you doing here?” he said, finding his voice at last, finally shutting the door behind him he’d left partway opened upon setting eyes on that possible apparition that could not be one. 

Moony sighed, shook his head. “You did always have such a welcoming nature,” he said. “No  _ I do hope you’ve had a nice trip across the ocean, Remus  _ or  _ You must be quite tired after the journey you’ve had and would you like a glass of water, Remus?”  _

Sirius stared at him. “What’re you doing here?” he repeated. 

Moony eyed Sirius’s new carpet a while. “I… wanted to see you.” 

“A ways to come for tea,” Sirius pointed out in disbelief.

“I’m a bit surprised not to of found you deep in your cups,” said Moony after a moment. 

“Couldn’t manage it,” Sirius replied, “not tonight, anyway.” 

The werewolf regarded him sadly. “I’m here,” he answered at last, “because I needed to know that you were okay, given that you don’t reply to any of my post.” 

He was right. Sirius never replied to anything Remus wrote him, and this was wholly intentional. He didn’t know how to talk to Moony anymore, didn’t know how to say that he missed him without mucking everything up. As he must of done, because Remus could’ve known that he was okay everyday and he’d not wanted to. He’d sent Sirius off with nothing more than an unbearably awkward hug and a ‘take care of him’—meaning, of course, Harry, who Sirius hardly needed directive to protect. 

“As you can see,” Sirius said with forced blandness, “I’m brilliant, you needn’t have come.” 

“You’re angry,” stated Remus. 

“I’m not,” Sirius lied. “I just don’t know why you’re here.” 

“I’m here because I miss you, you great knobhead!” the werewolf yelled, and then immediately deflated. “I miss you and you  _ never write me back.”  _

“I dunno what I’m meant to say to you,” admitted Sirius quietly. 

Moony stared at him, his mouth slightly open. “Anything, Sirius. You’re meant to ask me how I’ve been and if I’ve managed to find work even if you know how unlikely it is because it shows you give a toss. You’re meant to tell me about where you live now and what you do all day because I know nothing about this place or this whole bloody country and I worry about you being on your own. You’re meant to write me about Harry and how he says he’s doing in school because you’re meant to understand that even if he writes to me himself he’ll tell me something different than what he tells you because we’re different people,” he declaimed. “You’re meant to say  _ anything.”  _

“Anything except the one thing that I want to say,” remarked Sirius, struggling to hold on to his calm. “Anything except something you don’t want to hear. Anything except the truth.” 

“Sirius …” 

“Merlin why the bleeding fuck are you  _ here,  _ Moony?!” Sirius demanded, his composure utterly lost. “Because you  _ miss  _ me? Because I don’t  _ write  _ to you? It’s bollocks. And it’s bloody cruel! I can’t talk to you because I can’t be honest with you because you say you miss me but you don’t miss me the way that I miss you because I  _ love  _ you! Because I was so pathetic as to stay in love with you for the twelve fucking years you spent cursing my name. I didn’t want to have to write you to tell you how I am or how Harry was and I didn’t want to have to read your letters about how great your life is now I’m gone and you’re free to take up with my bloody cousin! I wanted you  _ here _ , I wanted you  _ with me!  _ And I’m not angry, I’m not allowed to be because what right do I have?! None at all. I’m the one who asked you for something you could no longer give me, so I can’t be angry. But I can ask that you kindly find yourself a portkey and go  _ home,  _ Moony. Because you’ve made it clear that that is not, and never will be, here.” 

For several long, quiet moments, the werewolf and the animagus stared at one another, so many words like miles between them. Sirius stood, and he waited for Remus to leave, to walk out and to never send him another letter again. He waited for Remus to deliver him one last, regretful look before he stepped out of his life forever this time. Sirius stood and he waited for the hurt that would surely come. 

It couldn’t have been a better night for it, after all.

“I’m sorry.” 

Sirius closed his eyes against the words. He wished he’d gone deaf a minute ago, so he wouldn’t of heard them, because they were worse, somehow. “Please go,” he whispered. 

Remus took in a small, sharp breath. “No,” he breathed. “God, Sirius, no, no, not for, God, not for what you think.”

Sirius opened his eyes to find Remus had taken several steps forward, close enough to touch now. He looked stricken. Sirius shrank back, away, his back pressed up against his front door in a desperate attempt to maintain space between them. Ever the Gryffindor, he thought sardonically. But Moony always did know how to strip him bare. 

“I’m sorry for being such a coward,” said Remus. So close, too close. “And Tonks? Is that what you thought? Merlin, Sirius, I would  _ never.  _ I could never look at anyone else like that, not as long as you’re breathing. London, Boston, the North bloody Pole, I don’t care where you are. You’re the only one I’ve  _ ever  _ wanted.” 

“You said…” 

“I was a coward,” Remus repeated forcefully. “I spent so many years mourning you and hating you at once, even if it was all a lie I lost you and the memory of you in one go and when you came back to me I spent every day afraid, because you were in hiding Sirius and they would have  _ killed you on sight.  _ So I was your friend because I couldn’t be more, not when it meant opening myself to losing you  _ again.  _ And then when it was done…” 

“You said you couldn’t love me anymore,” Sirius reminded him, hating himself for the way his voice cracked. “You said I should go and have a nice life because America could never be home to you.” 

“I lied,” said Remus. “I lied and I’m sorry every day for it. I was so afraid to lose you again that I lost you anyway. I should have known, should have told you that you’re the only home that matters.” 

Sirius looked at him, wide eyed. Years and years played through his head in one blink. 

_ “I’m Black, Sirius Black and this is my best mate James. Who’re you?”  _

_ “Er… I’m Remus.”  _

_ “That’s a funny name, innit? Ree-muss.”  _

_ “Sirius is a funny name, I’d think. Are you always serious, Sirius?”  _

And Sirius and James had laughed and laughed and decided to keep him. 

_ “You aren’t… afraid of me?”  _

_ “We could never be afraid of you, Rem.”  _

_ “B-but I’m a were—” _

_ “You’re still Remus. You’re still our best mate, yeah?”  _

And Remus had cried, and pretended he wasn’t. 

_ “If you wanted me put down, Sirius, there were easier ways, I should think.”  _

_ “No, no Moony please. Please, believe me I wasn’t  _ thinking  _ I was just so angry and I didn’t think what would happen to you and I should have and I’ll spend the rest of my life apologising just  _ please.”

_ “... the rest of your life, hm?”  _

And Sirius had nodded frantically and fallen into Moony’s arms and cried and not bothered to pretend like he wasn’t. 

_ “Moony, we kissed.”  _

_ “I was there, Sirius. That’s sort of the whole point to the game, if you’ll recall. I’m sure I don’t understand why you’re having such a fit about it.”  _

_ “That wasn’t how I wanted to kiss you.”  _

_ “You  _ wanted  _ to kiss me?”  _

_ “Moony, I’ve fancied you for ages.”  _

And they’d snogged until James had walked in on them and fainted dead away from the shock. 

_ “Marry me.”  _

And Remus had promptly fallen out of bed and stared up at Sirius for several minutes, looking for any sign of humour on his face and finding none. And then he’d leapt up and tackled him back into their sheets, hollering between kisses about how they were only twenty one and insanity and how he’d marry him tomorrow if he could, War be damned.

But he hadn’t. And Sirius had not even gotten him a ring. Hadn’t gotten the chance before he’d lost everything. Everything. 

_ “Come with me.”  _

_ “Come… what?”  _

_ “With me, us. To America. Come live with me and we’ll take care of Harry in the summers. I’m a free man, Moony. We can be… Merlin, I still love you. I haven’t told you but I do, I love you, Rem. I always have.”  _

_ “Stop. No. I-I can’t.”  _

He’d lied. 

“You lied,” he repeated aloud. 

“I lied.” 

“You still love me,” said Sirius. 

“I still love you,” Remus confirmed. 

And then they were kissing. 

Sirius marveled at how something could feel so new and so familiar all at once. He’d not kissed Remus in fifteen years. They were different lips now. Lips that had seen new things. Chapped with age and also scarred, from the transformations he’d had to go alone. They were new, but they were the same as well. They parted the same, they moved the same. As if he’d not kissed anyone else, not learned any different in all the time their lips had been separated. Because he hadn’t, and Sirius would be lying to say that did not make him both absurdly, deliriously relieved as well as vengeful that the world would ignore lips as glorious as these and leave them lonely. 

They’d  _ both  _ been so lonely. And now they were here, snogging like the world could be burning all about them and they wouldn’t notice and likely wouldn’t care if they had. 

Fifteen years. 

Sirius, through some willpower he’d been unaware he possessed, managed to pull away. And the questioning, muddled look he received for the effort nearly forced him to dive straight back in. Instead he held his ground. 

He touched his neck, the simple chain he kept round it and pulled it from where it was tucked beneath his shirt, where no one would notice or ask. Where he could keep Remus with him always and never have to explain. But he didn’t need a symbol now, he needed something far more important. 

Sirius knew the exact moment that Remus noticed what dangled from the chain, heard the werewolf’s breath catch and saw his eyes widen. He didn’t speak a word, only watched in rapturous disbelief as Sirius unclasped the chain with shaky fingers and let the simple, golden band slip off and into his hand. 

“I never got you a ring,” he said. 

Remus stared at him, amber eyes round and incredulous, pure adoration beginning to surface in them. 

“I never expected to ask you again,” he continued quietly, “but I wanted to.” 

“Yes.” 

“You didn’t even let me—”

But Remus didn’t seem to care for whatever he’d planned to say next, as he’d decided now was the time to snog him within an inch of his life. 

And it was still Halloween, still the anniversary of the worst day of his existence, but when he slid the ring onto Remus’s finger, it also become the best day of his existence. For now, anyway. 

**Author's Note:**

> Harry Potter and the American Thief


End file.
